The Girl in the Yellow Dress

My dear friend, Topher, came for a visit on his way back to Florida. He's moving back home after four years in Boston, so I thought this occasion necessary for a celebratory dinner. Having him come visit was just the amount of sarcasm and fun I needed and he was just the right friend to cook for as I start my adventures in spinsterhood...pleasantly fun, wonderfully conversational, perfectly gay.

I figure if I'm going to start my adventures off correctly, I should be cooking for me and only me. I don't want to get caught up in the idea of the 1950s housewife cooking for her man. I have no qualms with this ideal and the thought often seems delightful to me, however, as I truly start my journey in being single or a Spinster or whatever you want to call it, my best bet is to leave the "cooking for a man" out of the equation to begin with. However, Topher is a long time friend who I can, thankfully, talk openly with about my experience with men without the underlying nudge that I'm saying something inappropriate.

And so, we ate. I sliced a french baguette that we ate with cheese, basil pesto, artichoke dip and Irish butter. I then skewered seasoned lamb and baked herb-roasted potatoes, served with red wine. It was lovely. Soon after, my neighbors came over for drinks and cheesecake.

In the life of this girl you're reading about, things have been complicated. Most thoughts going on in the mind of a woman are complex, to say the least. And this blog and journey is an attempt to smooth out the course of my mind. I have this very lovely friend and I really got to know her after I came out of my long term relationship with said ex and was confused and frustrated and sad and angry and she gave me a gem. In my conversation with her, she told me I reminded her of herself when she was my age. And there was a time when she was single and care-free and she called that the time of the girl in the yellow dress. And she told me I was that girl...in the yellow dress. And that 26 is a complicated year and 27 will be much better.

Well, I saw her the other night and I haven't seen her in awhile, and as she always seems to do, she gave me a gem. She was watching me rehearse my new character for the Renaissance Festival and she was so genuinely excited about this new character because she saw how grounded this character was. She told me I wasn't grounded in my character last year, who was constantly changing and perhaps that was because I, Natalie, wasn't grounded and was trying to figure myself out. And my new character was secure and grounded because I was those things.

In life, we're constantly searching and I believe, if we don't search or try to change constantly, we become stagnant and that's not living. It has taken me a year and a half of complicated breakups to see that everything I need, I have. The search and change is always within yourself. And constantly reaching out to gain what you think you need or want is futile. For me, what I need is God. And God is within me. And so, my Adventures are an attempt to come to terms and settle into a deep happiness within myself. And I think that's where we should start.

Terms of Agreement

I'm not much of the writer, so bear with me. For the past year and a half, after my big break with the big ex, I have been searching for myself. Maybe, this is a redundant fact stated by many twenty-somethings in an attempt to sound deep or maybe, it's a fact of being a woman in your 20s, regardless of where you are or what you do for a living.

I'm an actress. My entire life is built on words and the use of those words to build laughter and entertainment, stun an audience into silence, cut to the heart of the receiver. My effective use of the English language has filled my heart with joy and also, hurt me and others in many ways. Before I realize what I'm about, my words are slicing to the heart of, not an audience, but a loved one. A mother. A boyfriend. A stranger who has crossed me the wrong way. And it flows effortlessly from brain to tongue to receiver, often without a second thought and driven by my everlasting need to be heard. And not just heard, but understood and empathized with.

That being said, after a handful of failed relationships (some more life altering than others), I am alone. And for the first time, in a very long while, I am content with that fact. I rejoice at the knowledge that I have changed into a completely different woman in the past 5 years and I am finally ready to get to know that woman. I've got a lot to offer...to myself. And as I journey through my Adventures in Spinsterhood, I hope to learn to turn that word into a term I hold with pride, as men cling to the term "Bachelor." I refuse to be embarrassed, but empowered. And there will be food, by golly. And lots of it. And that food will be prepared for me and the occasional friend, who I deem worthy to partake of my lovely, single, womanly goodness.

So, if you decide to read about the adventures of a single girl and her slightly eccentric dog, I hope you laugh or cry or, at the very least, are left thought-provoked. And, if you are left with none of these things, comment and challenge my views of the world ahead of me.